The Clowder
by rainshatteredsky
Summary: Nothing stays secret in a big family for very long! No matter what, Kuroo has the support of the entire team. Now if only they had a more sensible way to communicate that... (For the HQ Secret Santa)


For hanginwithmanerds

This was written for the Haikyuu! Secret Santa on Tumblr. I just love Nekoma, and I had a lot of fun with this.

* * *

Kuroo was sitting on his bedding just like the rest of Nekoma, head thrown back as he laughed at yet another joke that wasn't even that funny. They were lounging around, everyone having already eaten and bathed, but no one ready to go to sleep. He liked to call it unwinding time, and reasoned that the team could benefit from the bonding even if it meant they lost an hour or two of sleep. It was probably a bit irresponsible of him as captain to enable this, but as long as they didn't have an official match the next day and stayed focused, it was okay to have a little fun.

In his three years of high school volleyball, he'd been to an infinite number of practices, dozens of scrimmages, and six official tournaments, but he couldn't remember ever going to a training camp like this one. Fukurodani had always worked closely with Nekoma as both rivals and friends on and off the court, but what had started as a tradition to keep the two teams out of trouble over break became a full fledged operation over the years. As both schools began to climb in national popularity, more and more teams wanted to join in on their close relationship to learn, to practice, and to play. Kuroo had watched this network form over the years, taking pride in his teammates well before he was officially named captain. Nekoma was a strong, balanced school with a steady foundation, and Kuroo felt honored that the members looked up to him as a leader and preserver of their traditions.

"Ow!" he yelped, immediately shaken from his thoughts and thrust back into the present when someone with nails just a little too long pinched his thigh. "What was that for?"

"You weren't paying attention," mumbled a voice from his right, and Kuroo turned his head to find their setter bent over a handheld console tapping away at some mythical beast. "Lev's been trying to talk to you for three minutes. Please answer him so he'll be quiet. He's hurting my head." Kuroo could've sworn he saw a shadow of a smile on Kenma's face, but he had absolutely no idea what was so amusing… that is, until Lev practically tackled him, his arms giving way so he collapsed on his back with a large Russian child (Kuroo refused to think of him as an adult or evan a teen) face down on his chest.

Kuroo groaned, while the rest of the team laughed. He flailed a bit, trying to toss Lev off, but conceded defeat within thirty seconds when it became apparent that nothing he could do in his current position would get the first year to budge if he didn't feel like it.

"Kenma?" Kuroo asked so calmly, everyone on the team found it rather disturbing. "Why do I have this on top of me?"

As Lev squawked in protest at being ignored completely, Kenma flicked his eyes up for just a fraction of a second to glance at Kuroo. "Beats me. They told me to pinch you and I did. I just wanted to see what would happen." He shrugged his shoulders and went back to his game, looking entirely too self satisfied in Kuroo's opinion. Kenma was definitely entertaining himself by taking part in the team's shenanigans, which was a rare occurrence. Kuroo wished he had a video camera to record the moment, feeling a bubble of pride for the shy boy trying to burst through his chest… or maybe it was just that Lev was squeezing all the air out of his lungs.

"Get off… me, you asshole," he wheezed, to which he was strangely replied to with a head shake and a cocked head as if to say 'go on'.

"That wasn't very nice, captain!" someone called from across the room, probably Inouka.

Kuroo all but growled before gritting his teeth and hissing, "Please get up Haiba Lev, or so help me God."

"There you go!" was the immediate reply, and Kuroo coughed as air rushed back into his body. Lev was now kneeling by his side looking like the cat who ate the canary. "You're okay, right Kuroo? I hope I didn't hurt you. I didn't really wanna do it, but they said I was the only one big enough."

"They? Who is they?" Kuroo asked, rubbing at his right temple in exasperation. He sat up, dizzy from the sudden influx of oxygen or the movement, or both."

"The team, of course!" Lev said, peering at him as if he was an interesting beetle to be examined closely. "Have you hurt your head? What's your name? Where are you? Who's the Prime Minister? Wha-"

Kuroo held up a hand to stop Lev, who ceased his interrogation looking forlorn, as if he'd been having fun.

"So besides scaring the shit out of me, what was the point of this again?"

"We're staging an intervention!" a first year piped up, then quickly clapped a hand over his mouth.

"Huh?" Kuroo blinked dumbly. An intervention for him? What for? His team could be seriously weird sometimes, but this one had him completely perplexed. Usually there was some kind of reason for strange behaviors. For example, there was sleep deprivation, sugar rush, loss of blood from nosebleeds (they were always looking at lewd magazines, and Kuroo swore that if he had to hear Lev shriek in disbelief one more time, he'd give him an actual reason to be screaming) but none of those seemed to apply here. Unless he counted Yaku, who hadn't slept much the night before and was sitting up against the wall 'resting his eyes', absolutely nothing was out of the ordinary as far as his teammates went (and seeing their setter doze off during bonding time wasn't very unusual to begin with anyway).

"I'm gonna give it to you straight." Inouka snickered at his own innuendo, scooching on his knees so he was facing Kuroo. "We think it's about time you got something off… your chest, that is."

"Oi, oi, oi!" Kuroo tried to protest. "What is this, a mutiny? This is how you treat your beloved hard working captain, you ungrateful brats?" Inouka shook his head, grinning from ear to ear.

"Just the opposite, Senpai. We're trying to help you!"

"Oh yeah?" Kuroo roared, lunging forward to grab Inouka by the collar. He was too fast to catch (of course he was, Kuroo realized belatedly) and shouted for Lev as he dodged. Kuroo found himself pinned by the giant but this time, because of his forward momentum, he ended up on his stomach with Lev sprawled on top of him like a blanket.

His face smushed into the carpet (that smelled absolutely lovely, like body odor and strong chemical cleaners that were clearly not strong enough), he yelled as loudly as possible, "I'm going to count to three! One, two-"

"Let it rip, Lev!" Kyotani yelled, raising a fist. Kuroo wasn't exactly sure what that hothead meant (and really, was he ever?) but he found himself wishing he could turn off his sense of smell not a second later.

"Ugh, disgusting!" Kuroo complained, wriggling as he tried to shake the first year off. "Farting, really? We're not in elementary school, Jesus Christ you guys."

"You're right, we're not," said a voice from across the room. Apparently Yaku was awake, but no help at all seeing as Kuroo was still trapped in the aftermath of an unfortunate explosion. "That's why we need to have this talk."

"E tu, Brute?" Kuroo complained, still fidgeting around in an effort to get Lev to let go. He didn't get a verbal answer, and instead had the pleasure of being the brunt of the team's laughter again. When he had pictured their bonding night, he had assumed it would be the same as all the others with maybe a game of Monopoly thrown in.

"How's it feel, Lev?" Inouka all but crowed. "Like riding Kuroo?" Lev, completely oblivious to the double entendre, immediately answered in the affirmative, which made Kuroo groan in secondhand embarrassment. Well, that and the fact that his back was really starting to hurt.

"If you let me up, I promise I'll take part in your silly intervention, okay? P-uh-lease?" Kuroo all but whined. Luckily, that seemed to do the trick because the weight immediately lifted off of him. He crawled back to his bedding, thoroughly defeated and left with no other choice but to participate in their silly game. "Now, what's going on here?"

"We think it's about time we had a talk with you, Kuroo," said Kai solemnly, somewhere to his left. Kuroo groaned, knowing that if the ever-serious Kai was getting involved, something was up even if he had no idea what it was.

"You're eighteen now, and about to go off to university, and there are some things you need to know." Kuroo blinked dumbly at this, and Kai took his silence as a green light to continue. "When a man and a woman, or two men, or two women love each other very much-"

"Wait," Kuroo interrupted, hand up in the universal sign for stop. "Are you seriously trying to give me 'The Talk'? Because like I said, we're not little kids. I really, really don't need to hear this." Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kenma's shoulders shaking, just a little bit. Well, Kuroo thought, at least he's having fun.

"Well, you see…" Kai said, trying to find his footing unsuccessfully now that Kuroo had pulled the rug out from under his feet. "We've been… noticing some things."

"Yeah?" Kuroo's eyes narrowed. "Like what?"

"Kuroo has a crush," Inouka called in a sing-song voice, prompting Lev to join in. Not to be outdone, Kyotani also began to chant loudly as if he were trying to drown out the other two, which of course meant they just got louder to counter him.

"Enough!" Yaku snapped from his spot on the edges of the room, his eyes still shut. "Let Kai finish."

"Thank you." Kai nodded in Yaku's direction. "Kuroo, we think it's great that there's someone you're interested in. We want you to know that if you choose to pursue this relationship, that we'll all be supportive so long as you're safe about it. Actually, I bought you some condo-"

"There's no need for that," Kuroo protested, rapidly turning red. "There's no one, you're imagining it."

"He's lying." Kenma piped up so quietly that even Kuroo had to strain to hear him "You know what to do." A signal to unleash all hell upon him had been given, and Kuroo was frozen in place like a deer in the headlights. Kenma got out of the way just in time as the rest of the team collectively hugged, piled on, or pounced atop their captain.

Kuroo voiced complaints, fidgeted as if he wanted to get away, and called them names, but they were all laughing and he was laughing with them. This had definitely been the strangest bonding night he'd ever been to, but it did seem to have served its purpose. He hadn't intended to increase team spirit by having them speculate about his love life (or lack thereof) but that was okay. It was all in good fun, and despite being being used as a whoopee cushion and nearly suffocated, he knew that he'd look back on this night, this training camp, and this team fondly for years to come.


End file.
